


Malcolm Reed: Man of Mystery Revealed

by HouseOfTucker_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Humor, Section 31 (Star Trek)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:21:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29561817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HouseOfTucker_Archivist/pseuds/HouseOfTucker_Archivist
Summary: We present to you the real reasons behind Malcolm joining Section 31!
Kudos: 7





	Malcolm Reed: Man of Mystery Revealed

**Author's Note:**

> Based on an original thread at the T*M Forum on House of Tucker started by Tripper. Contributions by evay, Mereope, Jenna, StarPilgrim98, bandybones, A4T, and the T*M webmasters.

(1) He didn’t read the fine print when he sent in for his Super Duper Secret Decoder Ring from the back of his Ranger Rick magazine. 

(2) He found out Grandma Reed was a double agent and had to go deep under cover to get her out. (She refused to bake him his favorite pineapple upside down cake ever again if he ever ratted on her to Dear Old Dad). 

(3) He accidentally filled out the wrong Section on his income tax form. 

(4) It was really his evil twin. 

(5) Just to be funny, the rest of crew told him _this_ was supposed to be the MU episode. 

(6) It’s an elaborate scheme to get Trip back on the ship: Malcolm gets himself in trouble and waits for Trip to rush back and bail him out. 

(7) Dominic Keating wants an audition tape to send to TPTB of _MI:5_ for pilot season.

(8) He’s going undercover to test just how well that brig really was built. 

(9) Black Ops had such snazzy leather dress uniforms. 

(10) Q promised him access to the secret weapons lair. 

(11) When Black Ops hires you as an agent, they occassionally listen to your advice. 

(12) In Black Ops, no one laughs at you for writing “Blowing Things Up” as a hobby on the job application. 

(13) Trip told him they would rendezvous in Sector 31. The transmission was a little fuzzy. 

(14) In Section 31, he doesn’t have to tolerate jokes about his accent (or his wedgies)

(15) Black ops gives him access to personnel files. You’d never know Trip was such a naughty boy just by looking at him. 

(16) In Black ops, there is no “stun” setting.

(17) Black Ops was offering merit badges. 

(18) Ruby once told him she had a “thing” for spies. 

(19) He had the misfortune to walk past a Black Ops Recruiting Office after watching a 48-hour James Bond marathon on TBS. 

(20) It gave him a justification for putting state-of-the-art surveillance cameras in Trip’s shower.

(21) In Black Ops, being small is an advantage: it lets you sqiggle into the dark places no one else will enter.

(22) He heard that BAD BOYS have more fun. 

(23) He heard Trip had a real thing for BAD boys. 

(24) He wanted to see what it would take to get the Captain to spank him.

(25) His high cheekbones give him a stealth configuration — he’s invisible to radar.

(26) He figured everythng would be okay, but then he lost his flashy-thingy.

(27) His mother always told him he was a Wise Guy.

(28) Well, he _did_ say he could do with a bit less responsibility. Archer just now got around to reading the report. 

(29) Wanted to join the elite cadre of Trek leads who have been behind bars — Riker, O’Brien, Paris, Kim, Kirk, Spock...

(30) Realized that Black Ops dungeons come equipped with toilets. Unlike Starfleet brigs.

(31) The ad promised “under the covers” work. 

(32) He always wanted to meet La Femme Nikita and got so excited that he failed to see the “3” in front of the “1.” 

(33) A “WE WANT YOU” poster can have dangerous effects during a dry spell.

(34) He prefers wearing _black_ underwear to work. 

(35) Right after he signed on the NX-01, Captain Archer told the crew _Enterprise_ was a vessel of exploration, and there wouldn’t be much need for weapons. Mal’s the only one that actually believed him. He was so sorely disappointed that he started floating his résumé on the Q.T.

(36) He found out Captain Ponytail is a member of Section 31, and figured this was his only chance of getting a transfer to her ship. (Captain Archer didn’t appreciate it when Malcolm walked into his Ready Room and said, “ME TOO.”)

> ARCHER: What you do mean, you too? 
> 
> MALCOLM: No sir, not U2 — me too. 
> 
> ARCHER: U2Me2? Are you jumping franchises? 
> 
> MALCOLM: _No,_ sir, you see — oh — 
> 
> ARCHER: C3PO, right! Well, Anthony Daniels was British, and you can be suitably priggish and fussy — 
> 
> MALCOLM: _“Priggish”?_
> 
> ARCHER: — but don’t you think you’re a little short for that costume? 
> 
> MALCOLM: Sir, could you just stand right there for a moment? 
> 
> ARCHER: Sure, why? 
> 
> MALCOLM: Because Thor’s Hammer of Smiting is only good for one swing per day, and I’d hate to miss. 

(37) He wanted to be known as “Malcolm Reed, Man of Mystery.” But the _Enterprise_ crew just wasn’t going for it. 


End file.
